boyfriend.

I haven't had a boyfriend for a while. It's been over four years. I've exclusively dated two guys at various times during those four years who, as it turns out, weren't exclusively dating me. Faithful concubine. That sucked.

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have a boyfriend. The last one I had was Lorelai's dad. And that... well... it felt less like a relationship+more like... I don't know what.

ANYWAY.

I wonder what it'd be like to have a boyfriend. One that's like, "Hey. Wanna be my (only) girlfriend?"

I'm mostly ok being single. There's three instances where, everytime they come up, I yell in my head, "I WISH I HAD A BOYFRIEND!"

• When I have to bring the groceries in from my car. Even then, a boyfriend wouldn't be able to help unless he was around when I was bringing the groceries in.
• When I want ice cream late at night. This is a common occurrence. At least twice a week.
• When I want to cook something that I'm sure Lorelai wouldn't appreciate, but a sweetheart would. I cook for her plenty, but I just don't think she'll enjoy my fish tacos. Mostly cus the sauce I use is spicy. I bet a boyfriend would like them!

I mean. There's other times that a boyfriend would be cool. I'm sure you can imagine when. But those three bullet points above make me wish I had a beau every.single.time.

There's a few hurdles that I need to get over before I could be like, "Ok. I'm changing my Facebook status to In A Relationship." Some of them include:

• Lorelai. Can't have a boyfriend without my kid liking, NAY! Loving him. Also, family. My family is so dope. They need to accept him.
• Time. Space. Boundaries. He's got to respect them. I like alone time. I need it for a lot of reasons. Overshare of time/space/boundaries is not gonna work. I love being in good company, but need to be able to decompress or just chill solo.
• Humor. MUST. BE. FUNNY. And must get my humor. This is a big deal. Hot+unfunny is like being Hot+a whale. Like, wtf am I gonna do with that?!
• Trust. Blahblahblah. I don't have major trust issues, per se. I don't have higher trust expectations for a lover than I do anyone else. But I just want to feel good about things.
• etc. etc. etc.

There are some perks, I imagine, to being my sweetheart. Just cus the relationships with Lorelai's dad+my pseudo-boyfriends crashed+burned doesn't mean that I can't have a successful, happy, fulfilling coupledom with someone, right? Here's just a small fraction of why I'd rock as a girlfriend:

• I rock.
• I have my own sh*t.
• I like to build things.
• etc. etc. etc.

This isn't a personal ad or anything. I think I'm managing the single life ok. Sometimes people in relationships are just so bummed all the time. I don't want that. I just want someone that'll eat my tacos.

will do.

Was sitting outside, looking at my phone+a funny email came across (not like, 'fwd: look at these animals dressed in human clothes')+I laughed out loud. A lady was walking by just then+I didn't notice her I looked up+realized I'd kind of startled her by laughing.

I told her I wasn't laughing at her.

She reassured me, "It's ok. Don't stop laughing."

And it was such a kind thing to say.

this happened.

Me: (sitting outside of my favorite lamb spot, waiting for my to-go order to be prepared)

Cool Hand Luke: (sits next to me) Hey. Mind if I sit here?

Me: No. Go ahead.

Cool Hand Luke: Your nail polish are yellow. And your earrings are gold.

Me: Yep. My favorite color is gold. And yellow improves memory.

Cool  Hand Luke: Heh. Not with me. What's your name?

Me: Goldie. What's yours?

Cool Hand Luke: Goldie! What kind of name  is that? My name is Cool Hand Luke.

Me: Cool Hand Luke? What kind of name is that?

Cool Hand Luke: What?? What's so weird about Luke?

Me: Ah. So you're called Luke.

Cool Hand Luke: What's this guy doin? (points at man standing next to a car who is rolling a cigarette)

Cigarette Guy: Where's Peoples Park?

Me: Go up Shattuck+turn left at Dwight.

Cigarette Guy: Is that the place where people were sitting in trees for a few years?

Me: No. That was near the University.

Cool Hand Luke: (saying nothing. staring at the side of my head.)

Cigarette Guy: What was that all about?

Me: They were protesting the tearing down of the trees in order for the University to extend the Sports Facility.

Cool Hand Luke: Wow. You're smart.

Cigarette Guy: Did they end up taking out the trees?

Me: I don't know. I guess I should know that. (as it turns out: they did.)

Cigarette Guy: You guys want some licorice? (produces a jumbo bag of Red Vines.)

Me: Eh. No thanks.

Cool Hand Luke: Nahhhh.

Cigarette Guy: It's hot+fresh.

Me: (thinking: mother f*ck what?!)

Waitress From My Favorite Lamb Spot: Here you go. (hands me my awesome lamb+beef doner sammich.)

Me: Thanks you so much. Hey Cigarette Guy! Are you going to People Park?

Cigarette Guy: Nah. We're going to Walmart. I'm not trying to stare at any trees.

Fin.